I am sure I was in her pocket. How I got there, nobody knows.
I was in her pocket on her cell phone yahoo chat. I got on the yahoo chat because the chat room of the adoption support online group never works.
I met her last week on a Thursday afternoon. I was checking my mail on the adoption support site and looking through the news and there is was:
This hurts so bad and then another post
I cannot stand this pain and then yet another
Today is the day I say goodbye to my baby boy
I looked at the screen and it was indicated that I had already friended her.
An online friendship on an adoption support group. What does that mean? I am sure it means different things to different people. It is easy to be friends when a person is not having problems. This is for sure.
I sent her a message and let her know that I had her in my thoughts and prayers and then looked at her profile information. There was not alot to go on and there still is not.
I will call her Bethany as I want to protect her real name, yes people actually do use real names on these sites. Bethany was a birthmother and had her baby. It had indicated that she has choosen adoption.
Hmmm, I say. I should certainly pray for her as this seems like the worse day in her life. I avoid saying anything that sounds like "I know how you feel" cause I dont. Her pain is her own and is great. What do I know about birthparent pain? Mostly, well I read, I read alot. All sides of the story of adoption. Birthparent stories, adoptess stories and alot and I mean alot of adoptive parents storied because what do I hang out on adoption support sites for, well, support.
So here I am talking and sending messages back and forth to this birthmother, I call Bethany. We agree this is a crazy way to communicate and she is in pain, great emotional pain. The chat room rarely works on the site. So we use the yahoo chat and it is more reliable.
It is akward at first and I feel inept to help her cope. She is camping out at her Grandmothers home and her mothers is with the baby boy that I call "Christian" I never did learn his real name. Her mother is taking care of baby, Christian because instead of following the original adoption plan she brought the baby home and tried to parent.
It is clear, between pauses that she is sobbing " I tried to parent him, I really did".
I paused a long while and replied "how did that go?"
it did not go well for her and now they were trying to contact the original adoptive parents to follow through with the adoption plan.
"the caseworker is coming at 5 and my mother and Grandmother are taking me to an office".
she says.
She is paralized and shaking and telling me that she can't move.
Through the course of the afternoon she needs help with the basics. She hasn't eatten in days, cannot sleep.
I coax her to the kitchen and to the fridge. She manages crackers and juice.
Talk to your grammy I encourage. and she replied " she's too old and doesnt understand". I get the impression that her Grammy cares but cannot relate.
We talk about her mother. There is alot of anger about everything. Her mother wanted her to parent the child and now the baby out of the hospital and 5 weeks old.
I dont want to have any conversation that she has had a million times with her. She knows it is her choice and she has tried to parent and it is going terrible wrong.
She is also hours away from a meeting to sign reliquishment papers or some forms to that effect and she is not ready in anyway.
She says she is going as is, yep, in her pjs or t-shirt and pajama pants. I have a teen and I know that look oh so well. I tell her it is okay for corner store or walk the dog and not for an important meeting about the baby.
I coax her into the a shower and then there is a long pause.
She is questioning her choice and verbalizing the rightness of giving him up.
It is her choice that is for sure and I am not giving her my opinion on this. Oh hell no.
So I do tell her this. If she chooses adoption then she is not giving him up but rather it is a parenting plan for him and that if she cant parent him then she needs to look at finding him someone who can do that.
I also tell her there is not a wrong choice and the only thing I see could be selfish would be to keep him and abuse, neglect him in doing so.
She is aware of that. I get the feeling it is a conversation of a million times.
Five oclock come and I tell her to connect with me later that evening and I pray knowing that this is a situation in need of pretty strong prayers. I also pray for resolution for her and her mother so that they can support eachother.
.......Later that same evening...on the adoption support site I read.
Status Update: I couldnt do it. I need more time. I just want this pain to go away.
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