In a birthmother's pocket

I was up the whole night before with Bethany. She was at her wits end at one moment and too stressed to move at the next. She was in a predicament and she kept saying how very mad everyone was with her.
It was not a long drawn out conversation but only a sentence or two everyonce in awhile. I was still refraining from any advise giving or in a effort to show compassion say that I had anyway of knowing how she felt about this baby boy and having to move forward on a decision.
I knew very little but was wondering if she has told me her age along the way. She was 19 about a year older than my own son and a year younger than my oldest daughter. I told her about my oldest girl and she replied "wow". I did not want to get into to much detail about my two youngest children who are adopted for fear of provoking any negative feeling about possibly not parenting her little boy.
She had a younger sister 15 bout did not talk much about that.
We talked about the simaritys between our mother daughter relationships and that we can fight like cats and dogs. But we all love eachother.
Her mother was watching the baby to give Bethany a chance to get her head together to make a choice for her lil son.
She had the tv on in her room but was not watching but not sleeping either. She talked about wanting a drink now and then and then brushed the comment off
The mother in me did not let it slide and reminded her that it would not solve anything. I asked her if she had contacted her primary physician about the emotional pain and therapy. She informed me that the adoption worker has said she would get counseling after the relinqishment. It was very said that she needed help here and now.
I finally had to turn in for bed and actually told her that I would leave my phone on for her to call if needed. I felt good to be there to support her but worried a little too.
The next morning I was back on the yahoo chat and checking in on my friend. She was holding up pretty well and was very reflective on her situation. I got my little ones breakfast and started getting ready to leave for our family vacation. We were leaving for fun in the sun for camping and an amusement park about 1 hour or so away.
I had tons of laundry and packing to do to leave and chatted with Bethany inbetween laundry loads. She has a story of being 17 and moving in with an older boyfriend. She angrered her entired family and had a controlling boyfriend. She finished school but her boyfriend would not let her work. He had an anger control problem and they frequently fought. They were on an abuse relationship cycle of fighting and makeup. She became pregnant soon after her 18th birthday and rarely left the apartment. Bethany's mom came and removed her from the apartment in an escape like fashion and took her to the hospital and she went into labor.
To Bethany's credit, she knew her little guy should not be raised in an abusive environment. She once mentioned that her mother wanted her to keep and parent the baby but not return to her boyfriend. Sadly, Bethany never had a healthy relationship with a man in her life. She knew nothing else and repeatedly said "I still love him and think about going back with him". I never knew what our connection was or why ever we could of connected. Our stories crossed and she asked how I knew some of these things I was telling her. I told her about my own adoptive children being placed for many reasons including domestic violence. I found a way to tell her that I did not believe any child should have to live in a home invironment with DV.
She became uncomfortable at continuing the converation and I needed a break.
Right before dinner the meeting was rescheduled. This time it was a 6 oclock meeting at the office.
Once again I coaxed her to get up and eat and get dressed. I told her to write note to the baby if it would make her feel better and she was indecisive about it. Lastly, I told her to write in her memo section of her cell phone the name of a book and author: The Best for You by Kelsey Stewart. I told her to let the adoptive parents know she would like the book for her son to decribe how she wanted the best for him.
Her mother and caseworker arrived and I told her to call or text or chat when she returns that evening. I looked at my computer screen and she has typed "Plz dont leave me".
I wrote the same line in so many different ways on the way there "I am praying for you", "i hope you are okay" and it got 10 lines with no response. I looked at the screen and it said "theyre here"(adoptive parents).
I kept my screen open for 2 hours with no response from Bethany.
Then later that evening I read "I hope I did the right thing, I am in so much pain".
It was a night of pain for Bethany. She sat in a chair for a long while with her whole body shaking and could not stop crying. "I feel like I will never stop crying". She thought she was all cried out and then there was more. She could not stand and get ready for bed but was exhausted.
I shut my house down and locked the dogs and door and prepared for a night with chatting for Bethany even if it was one liner to see if it was okay. There were low lows and at times I told her that if she needed to call for emergency care to do so. Her comments scared me about not being able to take pain anymore. I encouraged her to speak to a birthmother on the adoption site and even got on the site with an request for someone to speak to my friend ASP. However Bethany had left her status on the adoption site at "I couldnt do it" from yesterday. The bottom line was that there were not fellow birthmom on the chat that night but just Bethany and I. I felt inept and she felt incredible pain. I assured her that tommorow would come and that I knew others that had gotten through it. But I also had to know that it was her pain no one elses pain but just Bethany's worse day in the world. Through out her pain she stated that she wanted her boyfriend and loves him and that she believes he just gets mad. It was the only thing that really made me think long and hard about having this little guy I call "Christian" in a safe place with an adoptive family.
The night was long and it was ackward to be talking to anyone person online for this long. I looked at the clock and did a brb (be right back) to get a snack and use the bathroom. I even had to lay down for a while. My own kids woke up a few times and my youngest who likes to get in bed with me was confused and went back to her own bed.
It was pitchblack for a while with only my screen giving off light and it was alittle past 5 am in the morning. We exchanged a "U there?" message to eachother and chatted for a while day. It was the day to leave for our family vacation and I was tired and refective about the time I spent chatting with the young birthmother, Bethany and the time I spent on her phone in her pocket on one of the most painful days in her life. I was feeling blessed to be a friend to her and felt like this would be a life time connect and an experience I will never forget. I will always remember my time in a birthmother's pocket.