It seems that most of the pain and loss in adoption is thought of as birthmother loss. I understand that birthmother loss is one of the most painful losses and I dont mean to negate that experience.
My friend, I will call Hanna was already an adoptive parent and she has two boys under 6 and one was now a toddler. Like many Moms she desired a girl and the ribbons and bows and the thought of having a girl in the house with all sweetness it brings. Like me, she also had her own web page and social networking and was active in the adoption community.
A few months ago there was news that she has been matched with a birthmothers and she would give birth around the beginning of August. I watched her excitment grow and she did a wonderful job of sharing her excitment in the adoption community. Talks of birthmother's doctors appointments and delivery options. Hanna also answered many questions that other prospective adoptive parents had about the process. She also mentioned that there were others that had a negative response due to the relative short time she has before finding a "match". For others the wait is very long.
I read the excitment in her voice as she remodeled a nursery and prepared for baby. She has so many hopes and dreams for the child and it was a happy time. My friend, Hanna, also was striving for education and information on all sides of the triad. She was sensitive to the birthmothers situation and her posts from her and her husband reflected her views. She was also well read and sponsored authors and new adoption themed books on her web page.
She was the great chronicler of events and was sure to share even by mobile phone her updates in the process. Finally the post was there about going to the hospital to meet the mother while in labor. Hanna and her husband did not see the new infant until 5 or 6 hours after the birth and was in a separate holding type area. It was pure joy in the events that followed the birth and Hanna and Hubby treasured every moment that they got to hold and snuggle little Hailey. Her birth photo from the hospital was posted in an album on her page. Then it followed with many family photos of the baby with Hanna and the adults in the family. Hanna spoke of her desire to not have the boys connect with Hanna until after the reliquishment hearing in a few days. She had failed placements before and was aware of the potentional of having one. She was concerned that if anything should happen that the boys would be afraid that their adoptions were not forever.
The child was placed in a foster home until the reliquishment hearing. It was about 4 days from birth and overlapped this past weekend. The waiting is the hardest part and thankfully the childs social worker brought the child over to "inspect" her home and to let Hanna hold and bond with the new baby. I enjoyed seeing the photos of Hailey and Hanna and they just seemed to fit. I dont know about the others in the adoption community but I waited, on baited breath for the tues of the hearing to come. I turned on my computer and checked Hanna's status often, even if my kids got me up at night then I was reading her posts. One of the last posts read:
"The birthparents have decided to parent their little girl".
I was stumped and sat silent while staring at the screen. How could this happen and this truly seemed that it was truly meant to be. I was in disbelief that Hailey was not to be part of Hanna's family. After my intial shock, I let her know that I was there for her and offered my love and support.
I was so glad that I saw so many others in the adoption community that were there for Hanna. I kept thinking of the pictures of her at the hospital and at the home visit with Hailey. I noticed that the photo album disappeared off of the web page that visually chronicled her adoption journey. The hospital photo was gone but the memories of Hanna and Hailey remain imbedded in my mind.
The posts of heartache and loss was there for a long while and there is a figuirtive candle burning for Hanna.
As the night progressed I heard Hanna being brave and talking about a failed placment that she experienced before her youngest son was placed and that a blessing came from her previous loss. I twinged at the comments of the "meant to be" type and though about how many are so well meaning.
As a foster adopt parent I think that many are aware of the risk of a return to parent to the potention adoptive foster parent and that it happens alot. It is more widely know and has much more written about the subject. The pain of a fail placement is not and I read one of the posters who thanked Hanna for sharing her "story". I did not view the intial chronicling of Hanna's adoption of Hailey this way but rather an unintentional view of others into her loss. I believe that the intent was to treasure the event and addion of a new family member and not to have her loss so publicly viewed. I do know that she would have wrote about the event after the fact as this is her way. Hanna shares so that others can learn and grow.
I will always remember Hailey and the child that was Hanna's for a short while and it is a reminder that both that while adoption is a process and a piece of paper that love is in your heart.
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